Abusive People

Abusive people don’t stop being abusive because you recognize that they are abusive.

Abusive people don’t stop being abusive because you point out to them that they are abusive.

Abusive people don’t stop being abusive because you stop playing the victim and now respect yourself.

Abusive people don’t stop being abusive because you became more assertive and have set clear boundaries.

Abusive people don’t stop being abusive because you now understand that they are abusive because they were bullied as a child.

Abusive people don’t stop being abusive because you explain to them that they are abusive because they were bullied as a child.

Abusive people don’t stop being abusive because you explain to them, everyone can see that they dislike themselves and are taking it out on others.

Abusive people don’t stop being abusive because you explain to them that they are hurting you.

Abusive people don’t stop being abusive because you model kindness and good boundaries for them.

Abusive people don’t stop being abusive because you went to therapy.

Abusive people don’t stop being abusive because you can now see that you have the moral high ground.

Abusive people don’t stop being abusive because you finally realize you are strong and a good person.

Abusive people don’t stop being abusive because you tell them that you are a strong good person and they are being a weak bad person.

Abusive people aren’t being abusive because of you. It’s not about you. You didn’t cause it. You can’t change it. It’s not in your control. As long as you are evaluating your behavior in terms of how it may effect or change the abuser’s behavior/outlook/perspective, you are doing exactly what the abuser wants — staying in one place, maintaining a relationship, remaining open to negotiations that the abuser has never agreed to, does not respect and views as an opening to dump more abuse.

Abusive people stop being abusive when there is no one left to put up with it, when there is nowhere left to go and hide their abusing. Abusive people stop abusing when being abusive feels worse to them than not abusing people.

Caveat, when you establish real boundaries with consequences, abusers will often back off and offer seemingly genuine remorse and understanding until you relax your boundaries again. Give the benefit of the doubt once, twice, maybe.